Funny Joke Of The Day 7/4/2022

   Funny Joke Of The Day 7/4/2022

 

 

Garden Of Eden

 

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

 

“Lord, I have a problem!”

 

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

 

“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

 

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

 

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

 

“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

 

“What’s a man, Lord?”

 

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

 

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

 

“Well… you can have him on one condition.”

 

“What’s that, Lord?”

 

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. But remember, it’s our little secret… You know, woman to woman.”

 

*Quit Drinking

 

If you ever want to quit drinking, eat twizzlers.

 

They’re not alcohol but they’re liquorish.

 

*When You Smile

 

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, “Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…”

 

I asked, “Are you single?”

 

She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”

 

*Ruined Career

 

It’s official. My career is in ruins.

 

I just got a job as an archaeologist.

 

*Early Riser

 

A friend of mine is a nun, and she’s up at 5:00 every day.

 

“How do you do it?” I asked.

 

“Simple,” she answered, “You get into the habit.”

 

*Chiron

 

In Greek mythology, Chiron is a half-man half-horse who had great knowledge of medicine and health.

 

So he’s a centaur for disease control.

 

*Support Group

 

I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.

 

We call ourselves On and On Anon.

 

*Hillbilly Return

 

What’s it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

 

Reintarnation.

 

*Price Complaints

 

I’m really tired of people complaining about the price of everything.

 

$2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking…

 

I’m just going to stop inviting them to my house.

 

*Gas Prices

 

You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimneys?

 

They’re through the roof.

 

*Hardest Cult

 

What is the hardest cult to join?

 

The diffi-cult.

 

*Party Accident

 

Andrew Garfield, Tobey McGuire and Tom Holland got into an accident upon arriving at a party.

 

As it turns out, they’re terrible parallel parkers.

 

*Accidental Detective

 

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

 

Sheer Luck Holmes.

 

*Police Related Puns

 

My wife begged me to stop making police related puns.

 

I said, “Okay, I’ll give it arrest.”

 

*Disgusting Difference

 

What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

 

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

 

*Beatles Obsession

 

My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection.

 

He needs Help.

 

*Liquor Store Robbers

 

Two robbers are robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber, “Is this whiskey?”

 

The other robber says, “Yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

 

*Musical Goodbye

 

How does music say goodbye?

 

Audios!

 

*Noodle Thief

 

What do you call someone who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?

 

Ramen Hood.

 

*IDK

 

What does “idk” stand for?

 

I’ve asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.

 

*Alien Abduction

 

I was abducted by aliens.

 

They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

 

Turns out I was on the mothership.

 

*Secret Message

 

How do you get a secret message out of a cemetery?

 

You decrypt it.

 

*Long Sentence

 

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

 

Man, that sentence was way too long!

 

*Hand-me-down Calculator

 

Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money.

 

I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

 

Times were hard.

 

*Arnie Colonoscopy

 

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

 

Cameron Diaz.

 

*Influencer Weight

 

How much does an influencer weigh?

 

An Instagram.

 

*Vampire Hunting Business

 

I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business.

 

I’m the main stakeholder.

 

*Signalman Job

 

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

 

He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

 

The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

 

Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

 

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.

 

“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

 

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

 

“Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

 

“What if the phone was busy?”

 

“Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

 

“What if that was vandalized?”

 

“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”

 

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

 

Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”

 

*Terrible King

 

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.

 

He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler.

 

*Obscure Perfumes

 

Please don’t use odd and obscure colognes and perfumes…

 

Common scents, people!

 

*Mean Dentist

 

My dentist is a really mean guy.

 

He always hurts my fillings.

 

*In Three Words

 

Interviewer: Describe yourself in 3 words.

 

“Not good at counting.”

 

*Marketing Job

 

My buddy just got a job in marketing with Kellogg’s cereals.

 

I guess you could say his job is Raisin Bran awareness.

 

*High Frequency Slapping

 

What happens if someone slaps you at a high frequency?

 

It Hertz.

 

*Arguing Couple

 

I went to a diner with a couple I know, last night, and they started arguing.

 

Now, normally I’m not one to take sides.

 

But they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his coleslaw.

 

*eBay Kids

 

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on eBay all day.

 

If they’re still there tomorrow I’ll lower the price.

 

*Weight Loss

 

I’ve lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head.

 

It’s a new loaf hat diet I’m trying.

 

*Wheel Thief

 

A thief stole the wheels off my car last night.

 

I’m working tirelessly to catch him.

 

Thank you for reading. Have a great day with lots of fun!