December's Day Joke

     December's Day Joke

 

we publish a brand new funny joke of the day each and every day of the year.

 

 

Gandalf Fired

 

Why did Gandalf get fired from the university?

No matter how hard they studied, he kept telling all the students, “You shall not pass!”

 

Higher Rank

 

December 6, 2022 by laffgaff

Who has a higher rank than a lieutenant?

A lieulandlord.

 

Christmas Breakfast

 

December 5, 2022 by laffgaff

A newly-married couple wakes up on their first Christmas morning together.

 

The wife kisses her husband on the cheek and says, “Merry Christmas, hun! Don’t get up, I have a surprise for you. As your first Christmas present, I’m going to make you your favorite breakfast in bed… Eggs Benedict!”

 

“Wow, great!” says the husband, propping himself up in bed as his wife scampers away to the kitchen.

 

A little time and lots of clanging and cooking later, the wife returns with a beautiful plate of Eggs Benedict; fresh and steaming hot on a plate.

The husband smiles from ear to ear as he takes the plate from his wife, but gets a slightly quizzical look on his face when he notices that the plate is one he’s never seen before.

 

Instead of their usual dinnerware, this plate is a shiny, silvery metallic one.

 

“This is wonderful, darling!” the husband says. “But what’s with the fancy plate, did you get it especially for today?”

 

“Of course I did,” beams the wife. “It’s Christmas! There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

 

Visit Greenwich

 

December 4, 2022 by laffgaff

I am driving through England, and plan to stop at Greenwich tomorrow.

No idea what to do in the Mean Time.

 

Bird Spies

 

December 3, 2022 by laffgaff

How do you know that birds are spies?

Because they are always in de skies.

 

Outdated Technology Joke

 

December 2, 2022 by laffgaff

My kids think I use outdated technology.

But they’re just ignoring the fax.

 

Dentist Graves

 

December 1, 2022 by laffgaff

Why are dentists’ graves hard to find?

There’s no plaque.

 

Electric Toothbrush

 

November 30, 2022 by laffgaff

I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

 

Pet Termite

 

November 29, 2022 by laffgaff

I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint.

Clint Eatswood.

 

Brown Bear Damage

 

November 28, 2022 by laffgaff

I want to tell you about the North American brown bear and the damage it can do to a feeble human.

But I’ll spare you the grizzly details.

 

Antique Furniture

 

November 27, 2022 by laffgaff

This furniture goes back to Louis the 14th.

Really?

Yes, unless we pay Louis by the 13th.

 

Stolen Dictionary

 

November 26, 2022 by laffgaff

I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

 

Rich People Babies

 

November 25, 2022 by laffgaff

What do rich people say when they tickle their baby?

Gucci Gucci Gucci.

 

Overturned Truck

 

November 24, 2022 by laffgaff

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

 

Dog Heaven

 

November 23, 2022 by laffgaff

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory.

 

Elevator Operator

 

November 22, 2022 by laffgaff

I got an elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”

“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”

He scratched his head, “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

 

Net Meeting

 

November 21, 2022 by laffgaff

I met my wife on the net.

We were both bad trapeze artists.

 

Pedantic Husband

 

November 20, 2022 by laffgaff

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her, “I think you mean fewer”.

 

Duck Muzzle

 

November 19, 2022 by laffgaff

I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

 

Grey And Gray

 

November 18, 2022 by laffgaff

What’s the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

 

Girlfriend Yoga

 

November 17, 2022 by laffgaff

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to start doing yoga with her.

I said, “Well this puts me in an awkward position.”

 

Authoritative Man

 

November 16, 2022 by laffgaff

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everyone a round.

 

Love Machine

 

November 15, 2022 by laffgaff

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

 

Sushi Restaurant Discount

 

November 14, 2022 by laffgaff

Life Pro Tip: If a sushi restaurant is giving you a discount, don’t take it.

 

You’re getting a raw deal.

 

Eiffel Tower Fall

 

November 13, 2022 by laffgaff

How do you survive a fall from the Eiffel Tower?

You quickly pull your Paris chute.

 

Fish Bow Tie

 

November 12, 2022 by laffgaff

What do you call a fish with a bow tie?

 

Sofishticated.

 

Box Of Kleenex

November 11, 2022 by laffgaff

I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

 

Arsonist Dating Agency

 

November 10, 2022 by laffgaff

I’ve joined a new dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every day, so it’s guaranteed I’m getting a hot date eventually.

 

Game Programmer

 

November 9, 2022 by laffgaff

I programmed a pirate game, but users said the main character doesn’t look enough like a pirate.

There will be a patch soon.

 

Twitter Purchase

 

November 8, 2022 by laffgaff

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.

To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.

He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

 

Prefix Meaning

 

November 6, 2022 by laffgaff

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

 

Tall Guys

 

November 6, 2022 by laffgaff

Women want guys to be 6ft.

I cannot fathom why.

 

Cottage Cheese

 

November 5, 2022 by laffgaff

I had a hard time figuring out why I don’t consider cottage cheese truly “cheese”.

But it’s just a curd to me.

 

Wet Cement

 

November 4, 2022 by laffgaff

I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview.

I’m pretty sure I left a bad impression.

 

Baggage Carousel

 

November 3, 2022 by laffgaff

I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!

She’s slowly coming around now.

 

The Palindromes

 

November 2, 2022 by laffgaff

I’ve formed a group called “The Palindromes”.

Our first single, out now, is “If I Had A Hi-Fi”.

 

Reversible Jacket

 

November 1, 2022 by laffgaff

My son bought a new reversible jacket.

I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

 

Thirteenth Day

 

October 31, 2022 by laffgaff

It was on the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month that I realized …

I will never buy a cheap calendar again.

 

Witches Wear Black

 

October 30, 2022 by laffgaff

Why do all witches wear black?

So you can’t tell which witch is which.

 

Steak Portraits

 

October 29, 2022 by laffgaff

I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.

It was a rare medium, but well done.

 

Thanks for reading!