150+ Funny Jokes for Adults That’ll Make You Laugh Your Pants Off

    150+ Funny Jokes for Adults That’ll Make You Laugh Your Pants Off

 

These funny jokes for adults are really amusing and are sure to make you laugh, even if they make you feel a bit ashamed.

 

 

1. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)

 

2. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? “I want you inside me.”

 

3. What do dentists call their x-rays?Tooth pics!

 

4. I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

 

5. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

 

6. Want to hear a joke about a roof? The first one’s on the house.

 

7. Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

 

8. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just wait!”

 

9. How much do teddy bears never want to eat anything? Because they’re always stuffed.

 

10. You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

 

Funny Dad Jokes for Adults

 

11. Why were they called the “dark ages?”Because there were a lot of knights.

 

12. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

 

13. Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’

 

14. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

 

15. I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

 

16. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

 

17. What’s the man thing about Switzerland?I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

 

18. The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…Wait, where are we again?

 

19. Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold? The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

 

20. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You probably think it’s “R” but it is the “C”.

 

Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults

 

21. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles

 

22. Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush

 

23. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.

 

24. Where does a waitress with only one leg work? IHOP.

 

25. What does a house wear? Address!

 

26. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)

 

27. Why aren’t koalas considered bears? They don’t have the right koala-fications.

 

28. How do you measure a snake? In inches—they don’t have feet.

 

29. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.

 

30. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.No pun in ten did.

 

Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Adults

 

31. When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke? When it becomes apparent.

 

32. Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.

 

33. What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.

 

34. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderpants

 

35. Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.

 

36. Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks!

 

37. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

 

38. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!

 

39. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.

 

40. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved.

 

Funny Text Jokes for Adults

 

41. What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

 

42. What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine!

 

43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

 

44. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? “Thanks for coming!”

 

45. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

 

46. What’s the difference between a G-spot and deductive reasoning? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

 

47. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.

 

48. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

 

49. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? “If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.”

 

50. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.

 

51. A family’s driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.” “Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”

 

52. What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”

 

53. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

 

54. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

 

55. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.

 

56. Why can’t you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.

 

57. What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

 

58. What are the three shortest words in the English language? “Is it in?”

 

59. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!

 

60. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!

 

Funny Jokes of the Day for Adults

 

61. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.

 

62. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

 

63. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

 

64. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

 

65. A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?” “Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

 

66. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

 

67. Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough.–Pluto

 

68. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

 

69. What does Pinocchio’s lover say to him? “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

 

70. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?Attire.

 

Funny Jokes for Adults Memes

 

71. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

 

72. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.

 

73. I tried to catch fog yesterday.Mist.

 

74. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

 

75. A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

 

76. What do you call a fake noodle?An impasta.

 

77. What do you call a cow with a twitch?Beef jerky.

 

78. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

 

79. What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

 

80. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.

 

Funny Clean Jokes for Adults

 

81. What do you call malware on a Kindle? A bookworm.

 

82. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.

 

83. How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit? Approximately 1 GB.

 

84. I started a new job as a tailor last week. It’s been sew-sew.

 

85. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?“Make me one with everything.”

 

86. Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I still don’t know how I feel about that.

 

87. My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.

 

88. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”But John came fifth and won a toaster.

 

89. I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

 

90. What kind of shoes does a spy wear? Sneakers.

 

Short Jokes

 

91. Why are crabs so bad at sharing? Because they’re all shellfish.

 

92. What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

 

93. I tried to win a suntanning competition. But all I got was bronze.

 

94. What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?“Put it on my bill.”

 

95. I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, the signs were all there.

 

96. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste, mostly.

 

97. I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

 

98. I googled “Rorshach test.”But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

 

99. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

 

100. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.

 

Good Jokes

 

101. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

 

102. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

 

103. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

 

104. Do you know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

 

105. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

 

106. Why don’t blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs.

 

107. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.

 

108. An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”

 

109. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.

 

110. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

 

Matured Jokes

 

111. “I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,” the woman told her dentist. He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”

 

112. What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.

 

113. How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

 

114. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

 

115. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!

 

116. My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

 

117. What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.

 

118. What’s long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog’s fingers!

 

119. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off!

 

120. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!

 

Dark Humour

 

121. What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.

 

122. What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!

 

123. What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.

 

124. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

 

125. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!

 

126. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

 

127. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!

 

128. How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.

 

129. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

 

130. What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

 

Bad Jokes

 

131. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

 

132. A sandwich walks into a bar.T he bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

 

133. What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.

 

134. What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-waves

 

135. Did you hear about the carrot detective? He always got to the root of every case.

 

136. What did one elevator say to the other? I think I’m coming down with something.

 

137. What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

 

138. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

 

139. Why won’t skeletons fight each other? They just don’t have the guts.

 

140. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

 

Stupid Jokes

141. No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.

 

142. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?Because he had no body to go with.

 

143. The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

 

144. Why did the giraffe get such bad grades? He always had his head stuck in the clouds.

 

145. Where do snowmen keep their savings? In the snowbank.

 

146. Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?

 

147. I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm. I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

 

148. Why are frogs always so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

 

149. What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.

 

 

150. What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks? A roamin’ Catholic.

 

Awesome Jokes

 

151. “Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

 

152. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

 

153. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

 

154. If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

 

155. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

 

156. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

 

157. “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”

 

158. What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

 

159. A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved down there. Do you know what that means?” The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”

 

160. Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

 

Thanks for reading. Have a nice afternoon!