Two hunters

Two hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods hunting bears when one of them suddenly collapses.

The other guy checks him over and realises that he’s not breathing and his eyes are a bit glazed. So he grabs his cell phone and immediately calls 911.

“I think my friend’s dead!” he yells down the phone with panic in his voice. “What should I do?”

“Sir, if you can just calm down I’ll help you” says the operator calmly. “Let’s just make sure he’s dead first.”

There’s then a moment of silence, followed by what is clearly a gunshot.

Back on the phone, the guy then says to the operator, “Right, now what?”

Cosmetic surgery

Jill, a middle-aged woman, is having surgery in hospital following a severe heart attack when she has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die God?” she asks.

To which God responds, “No my dear, you still have 30 more years to live yet.”

Well if she’s got 30 more years to look forward to and since she’s in hospital anyway, Jill decides she might as well make the most of her operation.

So she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, a hair transplant, and collagen injections in her lips. When it’s all finished and the bruises have healed she looks absolutely stunning and 10 years younger.

The day she’s discharged from the hospital, she leaves the hospital with a real spring in her step. Feeling very good about her makeover, Jill steps into the street and is immediately knocked down by an ambulance and killed.

As she steps through the Pearly Gates, Jill sees God and decides to complain. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she says to God.

“Well that’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” Jill asks.

To which God shrugs and says, “I’m sorry but I didn’t recognize you.”