Aquinas Rules!

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Thuday, 03/09/2020 02:09

Take heart! Here are five proofs for the existence of Santa Claus (with apologies to Saint Thomas Aquinas). Again, this is a bit philosophical, but Santa is worth every bit of intellectual energy we can muster.


"We proceed thus to the next article of discussion. It seems that Santa Claus does not exist.


Objection 1: Presents may be given by the good elves, and so there is no need for Santa Claus.


Objection 2: If Santa Claus existed, there would be no chimneys too narrow for him. But there are chimneys to narrow for him, and sometimes none at all. Therefore Santa Claus does not exist.


On the contrary, Kay Starr says, "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

I answer that the existence of Santa Claus can be proved in five ways:


The first and most evident way is the argument from Christmas trees. It is certain and evident to our senses that some things in this world are Christmas trees. Now no fir tree becomes a Christmas tree unless it is trimmed. But to be trimmed means that one receives an ornament. And since one cannot go on to infinity in the passing on of Christmas tree ornaments, there must be a First Untrimmed Trimmer, and this everyone understands to be Santa Claus.


The second way is from the notion of Christmas presents. In this world we find the giving of Christmas presents. Now he who gives Christmas presents either made them in his workshop, or got them from someone else. And since, if no one makes presents in his workshop, there will be no giving of Christmas presents, there must be a first giver of Christmas presents, to whom everyone gives the name of Santa Claus.


The third way is from the plastic image of Santa Claus. In all department stores we see plastic images that represent Santa Claus. Now these are representations of Santa Claus either because of Santa himself, or because of some other imageof Santa. Now there can be no infinite regression in representation, and so there must be something which is like Santa Claus because it _is_ Santa Claus.


The fourth way is taken from the degrees of Christmas Spirit. We see that people in the world have more or less of the Christmas Spirit. But "more" or"less" is said only with reference to "most"; and so there must be someone who has the most Christmas Spirit, and this someone we call Santa Claus.


The fifth way is taken from the conduct of children. As Christmas approaches we see children, who lack intelligence, acting for an end, which is shown by their always (or almost always) being good. But children would not be good for Christmas unless someone ensured that they were good. This someone is known by all to be Santa Claus.


Reply to Objection 1: Since the good elves got the presents they give from someone else, they must be, at the very most, Santa's helpers; and without someone to help, viz., Santa Claus, there can be no helpers.


Reply to Objection 2: It is not impossible that Santa use the door like everyone else."

Big Bill Rizer


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