Top 30 Funny Adult Jokes

Funny Adult Jokes for grownups with a sense of humor about the horizontal cha-cha. Some of the best bedroom jokes and one-liners from some of the funniest people on the planet.

 

After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think that was good for anybody.”

- Garry Shandling -

 

Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.

- Rodney Dangerfield -

 

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

- Woody Allen -

 

There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

- Unknown Author -

 

Impotence is nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings...”

- Unknown Author -

 

It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men.

- Mae West -

 

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly. Very slowly.

- Gypsy Rose Lee -

 

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Weep and you sleep alone.

- Sophie Tucker -

 

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

- Spike Milligan -

 

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

- Henry Miller -

 

Engaged women have sex 2.9 times a week. And the .9 is really frustrating.

- Jay Leno -

JK Rowling has written a book for grown ups. Most of the action takes place at an adult night school called "Genital Warts.”

- Brian R. Scully -

 

When I was growing up my mother wanted me to be a priest, but I think it’s a tough occupation. Can you imagine giving up your sex life, and then once  a week people come and tell you all the highlights of theirs?

- Tom Dreesen -

 

In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it's a fact.

- Marlene Dietrich -

 

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

- Groucho Marx -

 

Get in good physical condition before submitting to bondage. You should be fit to be tied.

- Robert Byrne -

 

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

- Joan Rivers -

 

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

- Lily Tomlin -

 

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

- Spike Milligan -

 

Researchers say Stonehenge was built in the form of a female sex organ. No wonder its baffled men for 5,000 years.

- Jay Leno -

 

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

- Phyllis Diller -

 

I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day they push the clock ahead.

- Garry Shandling -

 

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

- Woody Allen -

 

Studies have shown that women can have an orgasm by just sitting quietly and using their imaginations. I knew those librarians were up to something.

- Melanie White -

 

 

I used to be Snow White…but I drifted.

- Mae West

 



I had sex for five hours once, but four and a half was apologizing.

- Conan O’Brien

 

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

- Red Buttons

 

Forty-six percent of women answered “Yes” when asked if they ever faked an orgasm. Actually they answered, “Yes, yes! Oh God, yes!”

- Wayne Cotter

 

I’m not surprised Queen Elizabeth was a virgin. It took her half a day and four maids to get undressed.

- Unknown Author

 

I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.

- Monica Lewinsky (on CNN discussing her weight-loss)

 

A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

- Anonymous